life without my wife... sort of

For four weeks now, my wife has been in Oklahoma dealing with a personal tragedy in her life. (See tribute to Meemaw below.) It has been difficult for her, and a struggle to deal with the loss and to pick up the pieces, as well as to help heal with her family as one. For the first week, it was both my daughter and my wife gone, and I swear it was the longest week of my life. Toby, our gorgeous little Whippet/Jack Russell Terrier mix, kept giving me the evil eye... I'm pretty sure he thought I had disposed of them and he was next. I kept waking up to him staring at me, and the time he was holding the butcher knife, I decided to sit him down and try to explain that Mommy and Hayley were just on vacation, and they'd be back very soon... he stopped trying to get to the kitchen cutlery, but the bite marks on my neck were a little unnerving...
Hayley, my daughter, came back a week after they both left, and the last three weeks have passed much quicker, albeit with more than their share of trials and sudden pitfalls that required ninja-like reflexes to avoid falling into some serious trouble, but in the end it was business as usual. Toby has stopped worrying so much about Mommy, and things are settling into a bit of a routine. I miss Tiffany much like a person would miss an organ or a limb... some things just aren't working the way they should and I feel the absence throughout my entire being.
In the morning, when I wake for the first time, the mattress feels wrong, and so do the blankets... it's the first subtle hint of the day that things aren't right. Bed is too cold, and the blankets are too bunched up around me, because I toss and turn a lot in my sleep. Except that when she is here, I don't. It's the little things about her, the little changes in me that have occurred because of the void.. I miss her, and I miss her every bit as much as I thought I would.
However, I thought it would be harder to deal with the distance, to handle the loss of her physical self with me each day, the inability to hold her, or kiss her, or catch the fragrance of her hair when she lays her head on my chest. It has been hard, but I have been shocked and stunned (pleasantly) by how I have found the strength in our phone conversations and emails, pictures sent back and forth and text messages sent in flurries between us each day... It has been an incredible testament to the love we share that we have endured the time and distance and the suddenness of it all, coupled with the grief of the loss of a loved one.
My wife, my life, my love, my angel, my baby girl, my sweet wonderful woman who makes my life complete in a way I never knew was possible until we met: I love you with the brilliance and the fire of a hundred million suns. Thank you for showing me what love is, and thank you for showing me what true strength really is.